Positive Perspectives on a Lonely Shabbos in Yerushalayim

            Over the past many years I have B”H traveled to Eretz Yisroel many times with the predominant focus of inyanei klal. These trips spanned decades and were invariably allowed me to stay with family or with friends.

            Recently, someone treated me to a Shabbos in a hotel having seen that I went through a very tense and exhausting Yom Tov and knowing that I was coming to Eretz Yisroel for a Motzei Shabbos speaking engagement. My initial reaction was to refuse, although my children have moved back, I still have quite a bit of family that would be extremely happy if I would spend Shabbos with them. Ultimately I acquiesced to his request simply due to the fact that I needed some quiet time which I generally do not have except when I am flying to and fro.

            Knowing that I would be spending Shabbos sitting at a table alone was something that haunted me as I tried to muster the strength to be able to do so. I indeed thought that this would be doable as I am well aware of a multitude of people who are either single, divorced, widowed and spend various Shabbosos without any children, relatives or friends. After reciting Kiddush, eating the fish and then having some soup, it really hit me hard. I looked around the room of couples and families and realized that I can’t do this. One part of me wanted to be invited to someone’s table, although the other part of me just wanted to rest and be alone. As I thought of all the people who do spend Shabbos alone the pain in my heart got deeper and stronger to the point where I started to shed tears. Shabbos is a time of achdus and unity, and sitting at a table alone was a very dreadful experience to say the least.

            Our rabbis teach us אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו Don’t judge someone until you are in their place.

Another Solution to a Vexing Problem

Much has been written and series of droshas have been delivered delineating the excess and extravagance at Yiddishe simchas.  With all the ranker and rhetoric, it appears to me that little has been accomplished.  Yes, I am aware that some Rabbonim have set guidelines for a modest Kiddush when a girl is born or when a Bar-Mitzvah is made, etc.  For the most part, it is still an open field, extremely difficult to control and out of hand.  Awhile ago, I called together a number of prominent couples to discuss this serious issue in hope of finding a proper resolution.  It became quite clear and evident that although these people were aware that unfortunate and undue pressure was being put on their friends of more moderate means, it was not their problem.  Furthermore they explained that when making a wedding there is another family to consider who might not readily or even reluctantly be willing to change or cut back from their normative plans.  After much discussion, what emerged was a statement saying “Rabbi, if it is money that you seek for needy people, this is not a problem.”  We analyzed a few different possibilities of obtaining funds whenever simchas would be made to assist less fortunate individuals unable to make a basic simcha in a modest B’chovodik manner.  Suggestions ranged from a set tzedakah surcharge tax per affair, to a 10-20% tax based upon what you have spent for your simcha.  I was not comfortable with either approach for it would be difficult to monitor and implement.  I suggested an alternative approach which was warmly received and I am happy to report that it was successfully implemented albeit on a relatively small scale.  It is this idea and concept that I would like publicize since I believe it has tremendous potential generating tens of thousands of dollars of צדקה in addition to becoming a chinuch model of how to help others.  Each and every Rav would choose a number of organizations from those that make Brisim and Bar Mitzvahs for Russians to mosdos of chesed that are making weddings for עניים and תלמידים חכמים, both here and in Eretz Yisroel.  A set amount would be asked of the baal simcha which would help sponsor a simcha similar to the one that they are presently making. In addition to the tremendous tzedakah that has been generated, I have found that many Baalei Simcha are more than delighted to ‘match a simcha’ thus being מכיר טוב to הקב''ה for their personal joy and happiness.

The following story is illustrative of this phenomenon.  A number of years ago a very distinguished maggid shiur came to my office asking for assistance in marrying off his daughter.  I gave him a check from my discretionary fund and he then asked if I could call one or two Baalei Batim who might be helpful.  One of the individuals who I had in mind was making a chasuna that night for his daughter so I thought it would be most appropriate.  When I phoned, I could hear the harried feeling in his voice for he was just about to leave with the entire family to the wedding hall.  I asked him if I could be ‘mezaka’ him with a mitzvah right before the chasuna.  He obliged, and later at the chasuna, pulled me to the side and thanked me profusely for giving him an added dimension of simcha as he marched his daughter to the chuppa – namely helping another kallah and her father, a Talmid Chochom.

The following letter is but a sample of what we have done at Congregation Shaaray Tefila that can be duplicated in similar fashion in Shuls around the globe.

Dear _________________________: עמו''ש

Hearty ברכת מזל טוב on the simcha of your family.

As you are aware, the Shul has established a Simcha Fund, intended to enable members to express gratitude to Hashem during a time of personal simcha by rendering assistance to someone in need celebrating a simcha similar to our own.  Should you wish to participate in the fund, we recommend you make a contribution in celebration of your current simcha.

Bris: To Shoroshim, an organization that arranges brisim for Russian adolescents and men.  The cost of sponsoring a bris, including the services of a mohel and a physician, the use of hospital facilities and a small seudah is $360.

Bar Mitzvah: Yeshiva Be’er HaGoleh, a high school for Russian boys.  The costs of a complete Bar-Mitzvah celebration, including a Kiddush, is $1,000; a pair of tefillin is $400; a new suit and pair of shoes is $300.

Chasuna: To Yad Eliezer, a major Israeli organization that provides hundreds of needy families with a wide variety of assistance.  The cost of sponsoring a wedding is $1,000.

Additionally, you can make a donation of $250 or more to the shul Simcha Fund (checks to be made out to Congregation Shaaray Tefila Simcha Fund) which assists families in our shul and community who are in dire need and unable to make a simcha on their own.

Checks should be made directly to the order of these respective institutions and delivered to the Shul, which we will be pleased to remit to them on your behalf.

Cordially,

Perhaps the following true story will put our priorities in perspective.  In Europe there was a well known philanthropist by the name of Brodsky who was often visited by גדולי ישראל soliciting him for all types of צרכי ציבור.  On one such occasion Rav Zalman Sorotzkin who was a frequent visitor asked Mr. Brodsky for 50,000 ruble, a hefty sum of money by all standards.  Brodsky was aghast upon hearing the sum of money for in the past Rav Zalman had requested a much more modest sum.  Rav Zalman Sorotzkin then asked Brodsky if he understood the halacha of מעשר בהמה, the tithing of livestock.  When Brodsky responded in the negative, Rav Zalman proceeded to explain to him the חכמה of the רבונו של עולם in this mitzvah.  Halacha requires us to count out each animal from the corral with the tenth one being מעשר as the פסוק states: כל אשר יעביר תחת השבט העשירי יהיה” “קודש  Rav Zalman asked, “Why did this procedure have to take place when you could simply just take off ten animals from the one hundred in your corral and designate them as מעשר? Rav Sorotzkin said to Brodsky, “The  רבונו של עולם knows quite well how difficult it is for a Jew to part with his hard earned money even for fulfillment of the great mitzvah of צדקה.”  Hence, in order to make it more plausible for a human being to part with his hard earned money, הקב''ה makes you count out the first nine animals for yourself, i.e. one for Brodsky, two for Brodsky, three for Brodsky, etc. and one, namely the tenth, for Hashem.  The process then continues, eleven for Brodsky, twelve for Brodsky, thirteen for Brodsky, etc. and one, namely the twentieth, for Hashem.  In this manner, explained Rav Zalman, a person realizes the overwhelming amount of his possessions and that indeed the part that he is giving as מעשר is truly small and insignificant in comparison to his assets. After this analysis, Rav Zalman turned to Brodsky, “It seems that 50,000 ruble is a lot of money but after you count up all of your accounts and count up what you truly possess, you will see that what you are being asked for צדקה is really minimal.”

I believe then, that this should be our perspective as well when we spend exorbitant sums of money for an evening, even for a שמחה של מצוה; that the amount we give for the ever enduring mitzvah of צדקה, should somehow reflect our personal expenditures.

Let us indeed be zocheh to make many simchas for our own families and simultaneously assist in bringing true simcha to so many of אחינו בני ישראל who are less fortunate than we.

A Rebbe for Life

            It is just about the end of the Shloshim period for my Rebbe and the rebbe of thousands of talmidim from Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim,  In the following tribute I would like to touch upon one or two unique aspects of the Rosh Yeshiva zt”l that stand out  in our generation. 

            All too often hespedim on a Rosh Yeshiva are homogenized as being a life of harbatzas Torah in raising talmidim to be bnai Torah , talmidei chachamim and yirei shamayim.  In addition to this aspect the Rosh Yeshiva was so unique in many other ways.  Over the years gedolei Yisroel have marveled at the Rosh Yeshiva’s ability to have so many “talmidim.”  As the Telzer Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Mordechai Gifter, zt”l said, “I have many students who learn in my yeshiva but “talmidim” perhaps I have five!”  In order to understand the Rosh Yeshiva’s ability in having so many talmidim we must focus on a Chazal regarding what your rebbe is.  Chazal state im harav dome lmalach hashem zevakos yivakshu Torah mi’piv, v’im lav al yevakshu mi’piv.  Our rabbis are teaching us a nature lesson in the transmission of Torah that a talmid should only seek out a Rebbe who is similar to an angel.  The difficulty is apparent; how can we possibly know if the rebbe is like a malach?  I once heard from an odom gadol two answers that so aptly describe the Rosh Yeshiva zt”l.  Indeed we have no concept of what a malach is yet to the extent that our finite minds can possibly fathom an angelic being who seems to exude qualities and attributes that border on perfection.  It is from such a person that you shall seek out Torah. 

            I will never forget my first encounter with the Rosh Yeshiva.  I was finishing high school and I had my doubts as to where I wanted to go for Bais Medrash.  I made an appointment with the Rosh Yeshiva to find out more about whether Yeshivas Chofetz  Chaim was for me.  It was an extremely hot day and when I rang the bell on 67-18 Groton Street, in Forest Hills, the Rosh Yeshiva answered the door without a jacket, welcomed me with a big smile and said ‘it’s extremely hot, maybe take a drink of soda that was on the table.’  I was immediately impressed with the down to earth mannerism and warmth that exuded from his very being.  We spoke for about an hour and at the conclusion I said to myself that I don’t know much more about the yeshiva but I know that this is the person that I want to be my rebbe.  Over the next twelve years, I learned in   the yeshiva and I had a special zechus to become extremely close to him.  For a period of about eight years I would be in the Rosh Yeshiva’s house bein hasedorim organizing the shiurim and shmoozim that he had delivered to his talmidim over the years.  That period of time also afforded me the opportunity to speak with him about hundreds of issues in the realm of sichas chulin shel talmidei chachamim tzrichim limud, the idle talk of a Talmid Chachom are filled with lessons that need to be learned.  In retrospect, we now see even clearer what captivated me and so many of my chaveirim in addition to the thousands of talmidim over the years to be drawn to the Rosh Hayeshiva.  We witnessed a human malach whose entire essence from morning to night in every sphere of his endeavor was striving for perfection in gadlus of Torah and tzidkus.  There is a second explanation to this Chazal as follows.  We know from Rashi in Beraishis that one malach cannot fulfill two missions and it is for that reason that separate angels have to be dispatched to tell Sara that she will have a baby, to heal Avrohom and to turn over the city of Sodom.  Chazal’s words are seemingly difficult.  Is then the ability of a human greater than a malach for a human can multitask whereas the malach only seems to be able to do one function at a time?  My father-in-law Reb Nisson Alpert said that there is a major difference between the activity of the malach and the human.  Indeed a human can do more than one thing at a time, but those activities will never be perfect.  They will inherently be flawed because of the diversion of concentration to numerous tasks.  The angel on the other hand is dispatched by Hashem from heaven to do its task which it carries out with utter completion and perfection.  What Chazal then is teaching us in regard to a rebbe being like a malach is to seek Torah from a personality who depicts angelic features of having a singular mission which they strive in their lifetime to complete in its totality.  As I stated earlier all roshei yeshiva teach Torah and attempt to  imbue their talmidim with yiras shamayim and midos tovos.  Those talmidim then go off into many different spheres of life occupying all different types of positions in earning a livelihood and raising families.  The Rosh Yeshiva had one motis operendi which was to enlighten Klal Yisroel wherever they may be with the glory of our prize possession, namely the Torah.  All aspects of the Yeshiva and his personal involvement with his talmidim were focused solely in this direction.  He inculcated us with a yearning to teach Torah.

A Smile Takes But A Moment – The Memory Lasts Forever

by Rabbi Dovid Weinberger

            With this initial article, we are inaugurating the AOK community-wide initiative to promote acts of chesed throughout the neighborhood. Our hope is that we can generate a tremendous sense of unity with our friends, acquaintances, our irreligious and non-Jewish neighbors. This first week we will focus on the attribute of sever panim yafos displaying a happy countenance.

            Our rabbis in the Talmud (Kesubos 111b) state in the name of Rav Yochanan “greater is the person who shows the whites of his teeth to his friend than one who offers him a cup of milk.” Similarly, we find a statement in Avos d’Rav Nosson (Perek 13-4) “and you shall receive everyone with a happy countenance.”

            The Baalei Mussar point out that if on a very hot day you find yourself in a desert thirsting for some fluid, you would be overjoyed and thrilled if somebody would offer you a refreshing cold glass of milk. Yet our Sages teach us that even if one were to give you all the gifts in the world with a negative countenance it’s as if he didn’t give you anything. On the other hand, if you just give your smile without any gift, Chazal equate that to giving you all the gifts in the world far more than quenching a thirst. Unfortunately, in our materialistic driven society we focus on objects and not subjects. Our Chazal however, are teaching us what really motivates and moves a person is the joyous relationship that we sense between ourselves and others that comes through the whiteness of our teeth namely – our smile.

            The Seforim point out that the word for face in Hebrew is panim which is the same word that refers to our inside namely p’nim, spelled identically the same פנים to teach us that our face reflects our inner feelings about the other person. As the adage goes, “Looks can kill” or in fact give life and strength. There are so many opportunities that we have on a daily basis to engage family, friends and just random people in the stores and streets where our facial expressions either produce negative feelings or can be uplifting and encouraging. How a husband and wife say goodbye in the morning or greet one another in the evening can have a tremendous effect on their relationship. Undoubtedly children sense and feel love with a mother and father’s smile or piercing eyes that are like daggers that go through their heart. All too often we fail to realize that appropriately greeting an employee, co-worker, or employer is not about the person who we enjoy seeing, or we expect to gain something from in return, but rather a halachic mandate. Shamai says in Avos (Perek 1-15) “Receive every person with a happy countenance.” Rabbeinu Yona, one of our great Rishonim explains that one’s face should radiate with joy. Rav Dessler asks a striking question on this mishna. This statement about greeting people with happiness and joy would seem to be more aptly applicable to the lifestyle of Hillel who posits to be like the students of Aharon, ohev Shalom and rodef Shalom – a lover and pursuer of peace. Rav Dessler explains that the attribute of Shamai was that of din, strict justice and that with this statement he is teaching us that showing a happy countenance to others is the din, the halachic requirement. We must remember that no different than other halachos that require a certain mode of behavior, whether we are in the mood or not, this midda obligates us to express through our facial appearance a positive, uplifting and joyous face whenever we meet kol adam- any human being. The Meiri takes this concept a step further and points out that the mishna in Avos uses the word  בסבר- b’sever, when it could have simply just said, receive everyone with a happy face. This comes to teach us as the Hebrew word indicates that it would appear to others that you are happy even though in reality you are not. This obligation of displaying your “happy face” dictates a mode of behavior even in situation where we are disturbed or upset, we nonetheless must put on a make believe face of joy and happiness.

            This obligation is also mentioned in regard to the giving of tzedaka and recorded in Shulchan Orech, Yoreh Deah (Siman 249-3). The halacha states that you must give tzedaka with a happy countenance, with joy and with a good heart …and if you gave (tzedaka) with an angry face or negative countenance; you lose the merit even if you gave a substantial sum of money. How careful we must be then in our relationship with the many solicitors that frequent our community. The Five Towns B”H has a wonderful name in the realm of tzedaka for mosdos haTorah and aniyim. We mistakenly think that the amount of money given is the primary issue and fulfillment of this mitzvah. The aforementioned halacha must make us pause and reflect on the manner and form and how this mitzvah important mitzvah is fulfilled. How we give the tzedaka and receive the poor man or solicitor is the primary aspect of the mitzvah.

            An additional dimension in the realm of sever panim yafos is that of making a Kiddush Hashem. The Talmud (Yoma 86a) comments, a person who deals ethically in business and speaks softly and appropriately with others is extolled and praised ultimately creating a Kiddush Hashem. The Rambam in Hilchos Yesodei Hatorah (Chapter 5) enumerates a number of scenarios that are included in the category of Chilul Hashem as well as the opposite which are a Kiddush Hashem. One of those scenarios listed is receiving people b’sever panim yafos. A person who acts in this fashion is viewed by others in a positive light, is praised and ultimately is a role model of what a religious person is meant to be. The influence of this small deed can have unimaginable benefits in the manner that we as Torah Jews live our life. The following story which I read a number of years ago teaches us how sever panim yafos can literally save your life.

Good Morning,

Herr Müller

            Near the city of Danzig lived a well-to-do Hasidic Rabbi, scion of prominent Hasidic dynasties. Dressed in a tailored black suit, wearing a top hat, and carrying a silver walking cane, the rabbi would take his daily morning stroll, accompanied by his tall, handsome son-in-law. During his morning walk it was the rabbi’s custom to greet every man, woman and child whom he met on his way with a warm smile and a cordial “Good morning.” Over the years the rabbi became acquainted with many of his fellow townspeople this way and would always greet them by their proper title and name.

            Near the outskirts of town, in the fields, he would exchange greetings with Herr Müller, a Polish Volksdeutsche (ethnic German). “Good morning, Herr Müller!” the rabbi would hasten to greet the man who worked in the fields. “Good morning, Herr Rabbiner!” would come the response with a good-natured smile.

            Then the war began. The rabbi’s strolls stopped abruptly. Herr Müller donned an S.S. uniform and disappeared from the fields. The fate of the rabbi was like that of much of the rest of Polish Jewry. He lost his family in the death camp of Treblinka and, after great suffering was deported to Auschwitz.

            One day, during a selection at Aushwitz, the rabbi stood on line with hundreds of other Jews awaiting the moment when their fates would be decided, for life or death. Dressed in a striped camp uniform, head and beard shaven and eyes feverish from starvation and disease, the rabbi looked like a walking skeleton. “Right! Left, left, left!” The voice in the distance drew nearer. Suddenly the rabbi had a great urge to see the face of the man with the snow-white gloves, small baton, and steely voice who played God and decided who should live and who should die. He lifted his eyes and heard his own voice speaking:

            “Good morning, Herr Müller!”

            “Good morning, Herr Rabbiner!” responded a human voice beneath the S.S. cap adorned with skull and bones. “What are you doing here?” A faint smile appeared on the rabbi’s lips. The baton moved to the right – to life. The following day, the rabbi was transferred to a safer camp.

            The rabbi, now in his eighties, told me in his gentle voice, “This is the power of a good-morning greeting. A man must always greet his fellow man.”

A smile costs nothing but gives much.

It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give.

It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it.

Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away.

Some people are too tired to give you a smile.

Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.

~Author Unknown